Since I sent a note to my teacher, I want to send a note to you. Papa, thank you for being a good papa. And thank you for making Team Awkward even better than it seems…or should I say even awkwarder than it seems.
Tabi (your youngest daughter)
T: What’s the matter with Vivian?
E: Nothing is the matter with Vivian, she is just being dramatic.
V: Coming from the guy who is drinking his water like he is the queen of England.
E: (Raises pinky).
T: Why are you watching baseball in the morning?
E: It’s football…and we are definitely in the evening.
T: Why are you watching football?
E: Because I like it.
T: I don’t like football.
E: Your body, your choice. Why are you watching football if you don’t like it?
T: Because I love TV! It’s my favorite thing in the world! Except family…and love.
Tabitha’s assessment of Camp Zoofari as told to her paternal grandmother:
“We go outside and suffer, then we go inside and cool off, then go outside and suffer some more. Then we go inside and it feels as though we will never suffer again, but then we go outside and suffer some more.”
*This evaluation is in no way a criticism of the excellent staff, programming or facilities of the Houston Zoo, but represents the fact that the Wombat lost one water bottle, one fan and misplaced another water bottle and her cap during her time at Camp Zoofari.
T: Why don’t you eat breakfast when we do?
E: I’m usually not hungry and I use the time to do stuff…
T: Yeah, you do a lot of stuff for us.
E: …and get breakfast later at work.
T: So breakfast is like a award for taking care of us.
E: Do you mean a reward?
T: Yeah, a reward.
E: Sure, breakfast is my reward.
T: And coffee.
E: Yeah, definitely coffee.
V: (After noticing two ladies in thong bikini bottoms): Geez, I hope I never do that.
E: I hope so, too.
T: Would you rather swallow chlorine water or ocean water?
V: Chlorine water makes me burp, so ocean water.
E: Why not close your mouth while swimming and just deal with saliva?
V: She (referring to T) loves her papa.
T: Yeah, even when he’s a quarter-naked.
E: You mean when I am wearing swim trunks?
V: Yeah, but not in a bad way.
T: Yeah, in a normal way.
V: (to her father) What’s up with your style today?
T: What’s this white stuff?
E: Malt (as in malted candy eggs).
T: Can you eat malt (after already consuming it)?
T: It doesn’t seem like a word you could eat…like mold.
V: It’s a disaster! Granny is dancing like she is a 30-year-old!
T: I just want to be a mama already.
V: Yeah, why? Enjoy your childhood.
T: I just want to do all the cool things parents can do.
V: Trust me, their lives are not that cool. Just ask this guy (pointing to her father).
T: Another thing, my mouth would be bigger, so I could eat bigger food.
Translation: I am sorry I was so annoying to you and just so you know, I did it on purpose. (The Wombat keeps it real.)
T: Flossing is like fishing…but in your mouth.
V: Papa, I didn’t know you knew how to braid hair.
E: I know how to do a lot of stuff.
V: You probably know how because you are Granny’s son.
T: Yeah, you probably got it from her milk.
V: That’s yuck!
T: That’s not yuck, Vivian, that’s life!
E: I’m going to finish my dinner now…
T: Papa, did you know your belly button can eat things?
E: No, but I don’t think that’s true.
T: It is.
E: How do you know this?
T: Because I put some rice in my belly button and after a while it was gone.
E: I am pretty sure it’s because it fell out (now looking at the navel for food).
T: If you don’t believe that belly buttons can eat, then you don’t believe in me.
E: Oh, I believe in you. I believe you are silly.
T: That was not the point of this conversation.
T: Papa, does the queen eat ketchup?
E: I don’t know, I’ll have to google that.
T: I don’t think she does, because she’s a proper lady.
E: Proper ladies don’t eat ketchup?
T: No. I don’t want to be a proper lady.
E: I think that’s just an excuse to talk with your mouth full of food.
T: I don’t want to be a proper lady because I want to live in the woods.
E: Good luck getting ketchup in the woods.
(This takes place while flossing the heirs’ teeth.)
V: Why do you make that face?
E: What face?
V: The face when you do that (flossing).
E: I don’t know, it’s just my face.
T: It’s not your pretty face.
V: You mean it’s not his handsome face.
T: I was going to say that, but he’s not a prince.
V: But he’s a boy, boys are handsome.
T: I don’t think he’s handsome, I think he’s pretty.
E: Just rinse.
V: I pooped the peanuts out.
E: The peanuts you ate yesterday?
E: You probably need to chew your food better if you can recognize it after pooping.
E: You probably pooped out the corn you ate yesterday, too.
E: Good talk.
E: What do you need, dear?
E: You’re just staring at me and smiling?
E: Because I’m cute?
E: Why then?
T: Because you have a bald head and your bald head is cute.
E: Okay, let me see. Do I have everything?
E: Stop Vivian.
Granny: Good Lord.
V: Easter is all about Jesus.
T: What the what? Why didn’t you tell me that? You never told me that!
V: Granny’s church told you.
T: Where’s my “bless you”?
E: Did you sneeze?
T: No, I tooted.
E: Wrong body function.
T: Oh, I forgot.
T: You’re the silliest papa in the whole world.
T: Because you’re bald-headed and awkward.
E: We’ve been over this. If you don’t know what awkward means, you can’t use the word.
T: You’re the baldest, baldest, baldest, baldest papa in the whole wide world.
E: I wouldn’t go that far.
T: Okay, you’re just bald…and awkward.
E: Got it.
T: Remember that time when I was little…
E: (she is currently little) Yes.
T: And I had a dress on…and you probably slicked my hair back.
E: Yes, I probably slicked your hair back (not knowing where this is going).
T: I was cute then.
E: You are cute right now.
V: He said you are cute right now.
T: No, I’m not.
V: Yes, you are.
T: No, I’m not.
E: What are you then?
T: I am awesome.
E: Can’t argue with that.
*Editor’s note: T is both cute AND awesome.